Not all London Sex Disasters are epic tales of shame, woe and graveyards; some are brief life-lessons. Such as this one from a faithful reader. Now is a good time to refute claims that all these posts are not entirely true - our readers have lived it, so you don't have to.
Rentist: Remind me why you were on Manhunt?
Victim 4: Obvious reasons - no smartphone and horny. It was 5am
R: So the Joiners was closed...
V4: ...and the pills were wearing off. I was living up in Finsbury Park - he was down in Holloway. You do the maths.
R: Was this guy talking filth to you?
V4: No, the opposite. Nothing more than a 'u horny? i'm horny. come round. address...'
R: Lovely!
V4: Turned out he was an Aussie, so I was immediately displeased. And then he wouldn't allow any talking at all. Every time I started talking to him, he just ignored me
R: What conversational gambits did you try? 'Come here often?'
V4: More general stuff about the night behind us. I didn't mention it was my first (and thus far my only) meet on Manhunt. Anyway so the sex wasn't awful but was a bit shit - there was no intimacy
R: I am guessing that the strict vow of silence made things a bit peculiar?
V4: Yeah
R: He wasn't a "no kissing" type, was he? "No faces" like Bobby De Niro in This Boy's Life?
V4: Well if he'd told me to shut up then at least I could have pretended it was rough and stuff. But he'd just be quiet and pathetically thrust into my very willing hole
R: How poetic
V4: So when we'd both come (can't remember which order - it was that good) I lie down and try to snuggle up, and he kind of lifted his arm over my head (I'm trying to lie on his chest) and goes *annoying Aussie accent* 'I'm going for a shower, so feel free to let yourself out'
R: I'm hearing it in a thick Neighbours accent and I am riled on your behalf
V4: At which point I start considering that I might teach him a lesson about treating anonymous sex in such a careless and undignified manner; I'm looking around his room and all I can see is things that are too expensive for me to steal - phones, laptops, TV. I don't want the police checking my Manhunt profile and tracking me down. I continued to snoop around his room, and in the end I remember that I needed some drawing pins, so I take a box of those. Then a couple of pens. Some sticky papers, some paper clips. That sort of stuff. It was all in one place - made it easy.
R: Did you steal a bag to put the loot in?
V4: If only - coat pockets
R: Did you get out of there before he made it out the shower? Do you imagine he got out in a towel, and just shouted 'AW FLAMIN HELL COBBER, ME BLADDY STATIONARY'S ALL GAWN WALKABOUT!'
V4: No idea. I blocked him when I got home, and that was the end of that.
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